The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. This fact holds even more true when food is the love of your life. But biology has its way of testing that love. And that acid test (with equally stingy burns) is called haemorrhoids.
Haemorrhoids is a medical condition that Google would willingly explain to you. As neat as its multiple slideshows on haemorrhoids are, let me tell you that the pain is real. It is worse than heartache and headache. Because the shit that the latter two body organs consume does not end up rubbing the injury everyday. While my condition was not caused by constipation, there were times where I wished of entering into a perennial state of shit-lessness in order to avoid the pain that came with the Devil’s call every day.
So how did I end up pooping out blood every day? I do not know. It is difficult to trace the exact cause. But I know that I went through two long bouts of it every three months ever since I moved to Mumbai – a city that gives you so much shit to deal with that you forget to shit on time.
Yes, that was where I stepped on to the dynamic field (quite literally). I forgot to shit on time which resulted in shitloads of pain. I found it difficult to comprehend whether it was the food, the commuting, the long sitting hours, the stress or something else altogether. The worst part was that I had all those fronts sorted.
I am a healthy eater. I do not commute via road (which demands long sitting hours). I stood up after writing every article to get myself a glass of water from the canteen. And I was not stressed at all! I was having fun… until my ass started vomiting blood.
Medication, hot water baths and additional doses of fiber and water – all these followed but I just could not get myself out of the predicament. It reached a point where I feared it would turn into piles, a permanent state. But then, an old friend invited me to visit them once again.
Last week, after one and a half months of haemorrhoids, I visited Indore, the city where I was based prior to Mumbai. It was a city I loved because of nostalgia (first job), its laid back approach, its warm people, its crazy traffic (certainly not) and its absolutely lip-smacking food.
I had survived on that food for four months without any gastronomical complaints. While it made for sheer indulgence, it also offered good nutritional value. The food, whether the synonymous poha, the fav fast food sabudana khichdi (as it made for an ideal item for the fasting aunties), falafel from the streets or the unparalleled bhutte ka kees (mashed american corn), they always managed to get it right. If someone asks you to chew your food 32 times, they must be from Indore as the food there is one thing that deserves to stay in your mouth for that long.
When I returned, or even while I was there, I was miraculously cured. Or so I would like to believe. Obviously, it was a range of factors, like the constant scrutiny, the gallons of water that I just gulped down over weeks and the salads that I gorged on (because food is lou), but I would like to believe that the leap of faith was also a factor. A major one at that.
I would like to believe that the trip to Indore was medicinal more than a recreational. It was a pilgrimage. Is it the traditionally sound Ayurveda therapy that heals Varanasi visitors or their faith in that city? I know little about the science that went into my cure. But the curious cat within has eaten too much to get up, fetch the magnifying glass and investigate. For now, I would let it sleep.
If you’re wondering how fruitful my morning visits to the Holy commode are these days, I would like to quote Bhashkar Bannerjee from Piku, “Like nevaur befaur.”