It takes a lot to love. And it is all the more difficult when love is the only way you know. All of us love something, someone at all conscious times, even when we hate. Hating someone is merely loving someone else more.
Here is a confession. I have hated a lot this year. But I have never been able to hate one person consistently. Even though my mind directed me to hate X, I could not do it if my heart didn’t agree. My heart loved X with all their imperfections. I realized I love in, and out of, boxes.
Ever since I moved my base to Mumbai, I stepped out of a lot of boxes, only to return to them when they were in close physical proximity, and sometimes in intimate emotional proximity. I returned to my Dad box on his 60th birthday this past January, to my Mom box when she turned entrepreneur recently and Nani box when she visited the city in December.
I will have to admit that the Nani box was particularly tough to deal with. It was exhausting to step out of the Nani box when I left for work. Then I had to step into a box that I spend a lot of time in these days – the Me box. Twelve hours later, at her first glimpse, I swiftly jumped out of the Me box and dove into the Nani box again.
But doing this over and over again took a toll on me. Like how it drains me out to step out of the Jaipur box every time I leave the city to get into the Me box. No, there is no Mumbai box. Even if there is one, it is synonymous with the Me box.
It is easier to fall out of love when you have someone to fall into love with, waiting. In my case, I have often found Y waiting for me when X gave up on me. There have been times when I have to choose between X Box and Y Box. I have often gone into one and then rushed into another. That is exhausting too.
Does one then stay inside only a singular box? If yes, how does one decide which box would that be? Which box can stand the test of time, death and monotony? I do not think I am looking for an answer anymore.
I am not trying out boxes anymore to determine which will last longer. I know for a fact that none of them will. I know I will have to deprive someone (including myself) of love in order to love someone else more. But hey, I have become good at this game!
I have become quick in changing boxes by diving into them. Instead of stealthily stepping out of one and gradually descending into another while carefully measuring every step, I have just learnt how to dive with abandon.
It makes me skip my heart a bit which kind of initiates me into the shape and size of the box. But I’m glad I can choose the depth. For every meter into the depth, I go a meter farther than the box that is waiting for me with its lid wide open.